The Sad Truth…

Life lately has been good, considering everything that’s happening in the world. Until someone asks you that one question you dread…”When are you guys having kids?” Then my world turns into a black hole and the sad truth kicks in all over again…

It’s been a little over a year and a half that we started our very short-lived surrogacy journey. To be quite frank, the guilt still lives with me to this day. I don’t think it’s something that will ever go away and it will probably stay in my heart forever.

Lately, I catch myself wondering what our future would’ve looked like with a child in it. Is that absolutely crazy to still be thinking this way after a year? Is this me still grieving the loss of a chance at motherhood? 

Christmas Traditions…

Every year without fail, our long time group of close friends meets up for a celebratory dinner, just before the Christmas rush. It’s become a treasured tradition that I hope will stay for many years to come. The funny thing that happens at our get-togethers is that someone always lands up being pregnant. It’s happened every year and it’s wonderful! 

There was a moment during that dinner that the girls really opened up to each other. The excitement of the new little additions to the group, the sadness of loss that some of our friends endured, and the hope that they will have a chance to grow their family was all shared within our circle. I sat in awe as I listened to my girlfriend’s share their highs and lows and couldn’t help but think how incredibly strong women are.

With all the out-pour of emotions, I sat there thinking, all my friends are or are going to be mom’s, except me.

As terrible as it sounds, the thought and reality of it made me feel like an outcast. 

Rise of Emotions…

The evening ended and we all said our goodbyes. Silence filled the car ride home and I knew exactly how M was feeling. I wasn’t alone. M was feeling like an outcast too. It sucks. BIG time. It feels like as soon as we get to a good place there is something that reminds us that we can’t have a baby of our own. A constant reality check.

Now please hear me out… This isn’t a pity party post. I don’t want our friends with kiddos, or anyone for that matter, “tip-toe” around us when it comes to the topic of kids. We love kiddos and want to share the joy of them with you. This is a post where raw emotions are shared because out there somewhere, I believe so many people are going through the same thing and if anything more women should be opened about their struggles. 

The Sad Truth… 

The sad truth is that I think M and I will always feel this way. We will always be faced with the question of “When are you guys having kids?” or  “Time is ticking”. It’s exhausting and annoying at times but it’s our reality.  As difficult as it is, we will find a way to adapt to this reality. I don’t doubt that it will be an “easy fix” but I know it will make us even stronger as a couple.

Here’s hoping it will get easier…